My given name is Hugo, but I changed it to Ray Liotta. It’s a big kick at the cop conventions. Someday I’ll make the force. But now? I’m takin’ it easy. Livin’ in Miami and partying with all the fine ladies. I’ve got a brand new moustache — named it Trevor.

Trevor and I usually hit South Beach around 9pm and cruise the strip. I can’t let him stay out too late — he gets ornery. Like one night, he just kept rubbing up against the mirror in the restroom. A big guy came and threw us out…spent the night in the alley. That’s the kind of thing that could get me kicked off the force. Well, if I was on “the force”.

Yeah, I wear mainly floral prints and dark shades — it’s mysterious. I do alotta pushups and believe me…it shows. The Hoff’s got nothing on me…except chest hair. That’s my little joke.

But seriously, people tell me I look just like Ray. I’ve got his wistful glare when I get out of the car to assess situations. Like when I go to the grocery store and I might have parked a little too close to the station wagon next to me. I get out, take off my shades, purse my lips, and stare soulfully at the tires. It feels like a close-up…