Dear Mr. Tark,

I received your appeal regarding your recent ejection from a soccer match. While we at RecSports strive to preserve the free spirit of recreational athletics, our policy clearly states that you must meet in person with the Assistant to the Director of RecSports and deliver a verbal apology for your transgression. Until then, you will be barred from all university intramural activities.

We treat all of our athletes with the same level of respect and cannot offer favorable treatment or “rule bending”. Your work schedule — which prohibits you from a face-to-face meeting — is not my concern. The fact that my personal team happens to play in your league is a matter of coincidence for which I offer no apology as this is not a violation of our charter.

Your goalkeeper slide reportedly occurred outside the goalbox, which makes a clearcut case for a red card. Thus, your ejection from the match on December 12th was entirely justified and necessary.

Our rules, for which you seem to have little regard, are what separate us from loathsome weekend warriors. Our regulations set a standard for fair play and ethical sportsmanship. You may laugh sir, but pockets in shorts and sweatpants break flag-hungry fingers. “Incidental” contact is a shade of grey that I happen to frown upon. Slide tackles cause a myriad of bone-hazard scenarios. The university lawyers do not take such incidents lightly nor do we at RecSports.

I’ll be in my office when you are ready to open dialogue. Please note once again: safety is priority one at RecSports — to bar additional attempts at policy circumvention, your name has been added to our blacklist.

Sincerely,

Landon Revlon, Assistant to the Director of Recreational Sports