After Dianne Sawyer’s heartfelt Earth Day special, the United States really stepped up to the plate. With Disney on the bandwagon, the cause just couldn’t fail. Mickey Mouse ditched his tired red polyester daisy dukes for a pair of hemptastic knickers. Pluto switched from bargain biscuits to Greenies. The ABC anchors moved from rain forest bird nest hair pieces to locks of love sponsored transplants.

Things were looking up. Green was in again. Local businesses planted more trees than ever, hoping to replenish the ozone layer. A spike in carpooling, mass transit, and bicycles reduced dependence upon fossil fuels. The Texan oil execs were sent packing — out to exploit a new commodity: water.

They constructed new water reclamation facilities and bought up natural spring containing land…and then hiked up the prices. Ultra-fresh glacier water was pumped to new ecological experiment areas including a massive site dubbed “the kudzu factory.” The thought was that a fast growing, tenacious plant would produce massive amounts of oxygen in a short period of time, thus reversing many of the crippling aspects of greenhouse gases.

This strategy was soon dubbed as the magic bullet. News coverage rivaled the O.J. trial, Anna Nicole’s death, and the Rosie vs. Trump feud. Organic factories sprung up all across America.

Positive coverage peaked at the apex of the spring growth cycle. Overall health of Americans seemed to be rising — a reduction in new skin cancer cases, fewer suicides, less obesity. Euphoria ran rampant. This is why few noticed a disturbing fact: the plants — they were out of control.

Kudzu — once hailed as a failsafe to prevent soil erosion — had reared its formidable head. It moved rapidly up from Florida and Georgia, sweeping into previously hostile climates. More powerful than any man-made barrier, its roots shot deep into the enriched soil and shafted up into cement sidewalks, roads, driveways — into homes, schools, shopping malls, and grocery stores. It strangled trees and trampled flowers; blocked highways and ensnared small animals.

It came on quickly like any epidemic; a broad onslaught, its effects were visible immediately: communication networks were destroyed. Green wiry-leaf tentacles crushed satellites; telephone and television lines hung low and useless — weighed down by hulking vines.

Panic spread to the streets. Some prayed and knelt to kiss the plants; they felt the thorny stalks invade their throats. Charlton Hestonites blasted away with heavy duty firearms, but not even their cold dead hands could stop the creeping onslaught — lost limbs regenerated rapidly — spores flying left and right to produce new seedlings.

The perfect solution was a success. In a matter of months, it wiped out Earth’s most dangerous enemy: man.