Order the Meatbombe’ at Mega Mel’s: a giant chargrilled platter of cow hooves, fried in salt water then garnished with mono sodium glutamate and smothered in a delightful four cheese blend. Soak in the atmosphere: moose head, bear head, old metal petroleum signs, cowboy hat waitstaff, lassos, cigar smoke wafting from the bar, Top 40 Pop Country, log cabin accents, cavernous exposed ductwork ceiling, free peanuts. Make sure to start out with an appetizer. Might I suggest Pork Mountain? A grease glistening pyramid of bacon wraps around a country fried cheese boulder. For an extra $2.99, add ranch dipping sauce and jalapenos’. Desert? Try our chocolate covered Pepcid AC tablets. You’ll be surprised to find that they are dusted with Encyte, the natural male enhancer.

The servers are attentive. They are quick with the drinking water hose. You’ll need it. Your forehead sweats far beyond the paltry capacity of your napkin. Your body retains this water — stomach bulging, kidneys screaming, blood pressing, thumping, pressing… The outhouse awaits.

Sign the check. Waddle to the door. Try to stay awake. Crack a smile and rub your belly. That was a lot for your money; fun for the whole family. I hope you brought your back brace and a hammock…just in case.