In the year 2012, one year after Pirates VII made box office history, the first ever official School for Pirates opened in St. Augustine, Florida. Scurvy State offered a one year online degree fueled by the “all-in-one” mail order Sea Simulator 3000. While Sea Sim I and II were marketed exclusively by Tony Robbins’s 90-minute sausage fingers, SSIII was promoted through one minute spots by Tom Kruse during late night Comedy Central. The task of cramming multiple products into one minute was enthusiastically accepted by cult classic director Roger Stanley Ullrich.

Filming the filming, our camera zooms in as the spot begins…

Ghastly steel wool neckbeard smile grows down into a lumberjack flannel — an eye patch covers one eye and his bulging left thigh points toward the camera atop an anonymous brown keg. A neon graphic explodes — KABOOM — and smoke surrounds the set. Stepping through, closer still to the camera, Kruse holds a squirt bottle like a brand new baby. Gushing with pride, our furry, lovable host begins:

“YOU’LL love swabbing the deck with the all new SEA Simulator!

ENTER DARIUS RUCKER {singing, picking guitar}

“You made me love you, I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to do it
You made me want you, and all the time you knew it, I guess you always knew it
You made me happy sometimes, sometimes you made me glad
But there were times, dear, you made me feel so bad”

Kruse points his cleaner and fires a smoke enhanced squirt of liquid. Darius’s guitar sizzles; he screams and falls overboard. Unseen sharks thrash and muffled screams echo.

“AVAST MATIES! Plunder and pillage booty of your own for only $5/day.”

A miniscule disclaimer flashes briefly at the bottom of the screen:

Actual cost of credit hours equals $2,000
SSIII hourly rental rates vary by state

A pouty lipped brunette enters the shot wearing a puffy shirt cut-off just below the bust — her buttons holding on by a thread.

“I just love a REAL PIRATE. Batten down the hatches tonight and call 1-800-SEASIM3.”

The audio cuts out momentarily as her lips glisten and jut, puckering forward still.

Next comes a jarring jump cut to Kruse’s face — his beard seems larger, darker, denser. A fuse snaps, cracks, and fizzles.

“ORDER NOW, before it’s TOO LATE!”

Kruse holds a sword high in the air and swings it down. A CGI cannonball fires and morphs into a package; it’s headed for a home…presumably yours as it boomerangs back toward the camera.

“WHAT CAN A SEA-BOOM DO FOR YOU?!”