Today was my first “performance review.”  I use the term loosely.    I sat down with my supervisor of the last 8 months, Ed, expecting some sort of in-depth analysis of my workplace habits, demeanor, and achievement.  Instead, I got a poorly formatted scrap of paper with a series of vaguely descriptive terms like “appearance” or “punctuality” and a number from 1-4 with four being the best score.”Scott,” Ed said before taking a huge breath like he was in Kirby’s Dreamland or something, “I think you’re doing good work.  As you can see, I’ve given you all 3s, so you qualify for the standard raise.  But,” another political speech length pause here, “you really need to make sure that you’re not smiling as often as you have been.”

I was puzzled for a second.  Not only was there ZERO constructive criticism on the sheet or indications of what he expected for a “4″, but now he was going to admonish me for unnecesssary mirth in the workplace?  I don’t know that my left eyebrow has ever lifted higher in surprise and inquiry.

“Excuse me?  I’ve been smiling too much?”  I didn’t so much say the words as spit them out like bits of syllabic gristle.

“Yeah… people seem to think that you’re having a good time back there every now and again, and Stella in Claims has been kicking up a fuss about how she wants to transfer into our department because ‘Everyone looks like they’re having a great time.’  It’s causing some trouble for me, so just frown more or something.”

I had realized going into the meeting that this office was a strange place, but never did I imagine that I could feel so out of place.  Perhaps I should start wearing an orange jumper instead of the usual business casual attire.  But then Stella would probably complain about my festive orange attire and comfortable looking but totally inadequate prison-issue shoes.  Instead of trying to fight against the freight train of the absurd that had just ripped through Ed’s office, I nodded, grabbed my scrap of paper, and sauntered back out to my desk.

As I sat at my desk contemplating the mediocre 3% raise I’d just received and the empty, meaningless review sheet in my hand, an unmistakable scowl crept across my face.  I saw Stella walking by, and she received the most piercing glare in my arsenal.  She looked away immediately and crept past timidly, like she’d just seen the eye of Sauron and shat herself.

After that, what else could I do?  I put on some Massive Attack and let my headphones wash away the memories of the morning.  I contemplated serious issues like what topping would be on my pizza for lunch and when I should take a lengthy bathroom break.  And I resolved to buy a ticket on the next train out of here.